30 Dates In 30 Days: Part IV
[Reading time 3 minutes]
*depending on how often you read I guess
“You might as well give up”
While I wasn’t looking for love, reflecting back on my journals made me realise I was searching for chemistry, on almost every date. I had been chasing this novel concept throughout my entire dating life. It turns out you can’t build a relationship on chemistry, especially when it keeps dodging your feelings and their own emotions. But why then, did I keep expecting fireworks the minute I met someone? Hopeless romantic or delusional female… It's a fine line. I should have known better though, as I had been in relationships with fireworks. Turns out they burn the house down if you’re careless.
Now, don’t actually give up, there is hope, or at least the possibility of falling for a tall emotionally unavailable stranger. It happened to me when I least expected it, just not in a forced timeframe of 30 dates in 30 days, but out and about in the desert.
You are the main character though, in all your failed relationships, let that sink in…
It’s not a bad thing though, just a reminder that although you’re the only things all your exes have in common, it’s also where your opportunities lie (aka Hope).When you hit a certain age you can’t keep blaming other people for your circumstances. Ownership and therapy are probably your best bet to get rid of childhood coping mechanisms and to actually start making changes in your thinking patterns and behaviour.
You are, or should be shaping at least 50% of those dates, so, how much effort did you make to steer the conversation into different subject? And how much time did you waste eye balling if they were actually the height their profile suggested? Next time you go on a date, instead of asking yourself how you feel about them, ask yourself: how they made me feel. Maybe those butterflies are just anxiety-caterpillars.
No one is supposed to have 30 dates in 30 days. It is an exhausting & full-time job. Whether or not you’re looking for love, you never know what a date can bring. You can be super picky or say yes to any date that comes your way, but either way you’re likely to have a lot of bad and average dates. The more dates you go on though, the better your chances of a great date! Pro tip: Pick an activity that you already enjoy or have been wanting to do, then at least you have a nice or new experience. Looking back made me realise your dating profile significantly influences your audience and you definitely get what you put in. Dudes: you have got to do better than no words and 2 pictures.
So, does age factor in when you’re dating? Mostly, yes. During project 30 dates in 30 days I had just turned 30, was blissfully single and the pressure was off. As I’m writing this I am in my early 30s, I’m apparently of bearing age and again relatively newly and happily single. I have occasionally heard friends say ‘at this point all the good ones are taken right?’. My brain almost agreed to it, but straightaway switched to ‘but what about me then’?! I’m one of the good ones and clearly great at dating, right? Well, it’s in the same category as asking why someone is still single.. Because Karen, I choose to not stay in a relationship that isn’t working.
Dating as an ‘Elder Millennial’ makes it simultaneously easier and more difficult.
know what you want, you’re not willing to be treated like shit (mostly). You’ve also stopped believing in fairytales after plenty of reality checks of modern day dating. Look on the bright side; you’re not stuck with a couple of kids in suburbia with a spouse who you don't even like. Instead, you get to go again, kinda like the second round of the buffet: you kinda know what to expect but you might get surprised by a fresh batch of eggs and bacon.
There is no comfort zone in dating, and no room for bad attitude either.
You might feel nervous, anxious or maybe you’re relaxed, at ease or even feel safe. Whichever feelings are coming to the surface, they are coming from you. If you set out to have a great time, chances are it might actually happen. If you tell yourself you are probably wasting your time on yet another bad date, it will most likely suck. Not to go full cognitive science on you, but if you have been experiencing a lot of bad dates, it might be time to A) revisit your app settings and swiping behaviour. And, B) dive into some cognitive literature to not get blindsided by self sabotage. If dating has been a negative experience, your approach to it, may have been as well. Experiment with a little Tony Robbins: where your mind goes, your energy flows. If you manage to bring enthusiasm and positivity to your next 3 dates, you might magically have a great experience. Too spiritual? A more pragmatic solution is for you to choose a setting or activity that actually brings you joy, this will straight away gauge the slightest compatibility.
Do a soft landing, or at least an in person review.
Whether you had a great date, or a horrible walk in the park, you tried. They probably did as well. Although current dating etiquette does not include a message after, ghosting after one date is apparently not considered ghosting. Do a soft landing anyway. Did you actually like the person? Tell them. How nice is it to hear someone tell you they enjoyed your company, give them that compliment.
Did you have a horrible time? Don’t insult, but be straightforward: Hey, thank you for your time, but this wasn’t for me. It doesn't take much to be honest, although it might be a little uncomfortable. Are you not sure, maybe go on another date to find out? When you ask someone about their experience, you can even tell them you need some time to process the date. This shows you have a capability to communicate or at least be civilised. You never know, their reaction might surprise you.
Besides meeting someone that matches your personality (wishlist for some), you’ll also have to be in the right frame of mind for it to go somewhere. I ended up going on three second dates and one third date, not a bad score. And, although I wasn’t planning on it, date nr 31 turned out to be my person for a while.
