There’s no such thing as love at first sight, but chemistry at first sight doesn’t make a nice valentine’s card.

Ah, to be not as young as you once were, and to think you’re in love…

Sometimes love makes blind, at least temporarily. Love can also create rage, so the next time you find yourself in the bloom of a new situationship, it might be worth checking the service history. Do you really want to go through the works, finding and finetuning a great second-hand, only to discover there are spark plug issues that could have been noticed, had you done a proper check? 

When you are longing for deep, meaningful connections, your brain might just forge a way there. The fear of missing out on love, connection, and often chemistry might be justifying things you would normally deem unacceptable. The current dating climate left many of us with the illusion of endless possibilities and open options. The side effect? A wishlist that seems longer than our weekly to-do list with unrealistic expectations of “the total package”. We need to have ‘it all’ when we want it, how we want it, and most of all, without settling.

Why choose and commit when you can come and go as you please?

The beginning stage of any relationship, as long or shortlived as it may be, is where you can let your heart and your imagination run free. If you just open up your heart, that special connection you’ve been waiting for, might just show up. Before you get carried away, and run off into the tunnel of love-potential, it might be worth taking a step back, asking yourself: Are there any red flags? 

Instead of taking it easy and getting to know someone with whom we might actually have something in common, we cling to chemistry. But what even is chemistry, and why is it such an important part of human interaction?

Maybe chemistry is an overrated quality, maybe it is just misunderstood. Instead of looking for “sparks”, could it be we should be looking for calmness? When we stop hunting for butterflies, could we get excited about connections and interactions that calm our nervous system? My obsessive longing for meaningful connections and track record of failed ones, have given me somewhat of a dating expert status, one I wasn’t looking to add to my resume. It does however allow me to highlight some how-not-to’s (more on those later).
So maybe that chemistry that walked into the bar is not it, because on Friday night anyone can connect with you. If you are a hopeless romantic like me, you feel the potential lurking in the background. Could this be the love of my life? As naif as it sounds, I wouldn't want it any other way. But there’s a difference between looking for, and being open to receiving love, although the line tends to get blurry.

When you’re looking for love there might be no stopping you before you crash and burn. This is okay sometimes, as painful a lesson as it may be. Sometimes you need a little nudge to let go of what is not meant for you, to find what is. Then there are moments when you might not even be looking for it, and it hits you like a brick wall. Whichever way it came to you, before you let your imagination carry you away into your greatest love story so far, you might want to check in with yourself to see what it is you are actually feeling and experiencing.

What’s going on in your heart, may not be in line with what you are trying to justify in your head. Deep down your heart knows, it is sending signals throughout your body. Although you might not know straight away if it is telling you yes, you will know straight away if it is a no, even when you don’t want to hear it. It’s the yes-for-now you should be cautious of.

The trap of love potential:

when a yes-for-now

should actually be a no.

The present moment is a good time to check in with your body. How do you feel when you are around them? How do you feel when they are communicating with you? Are they communicating with you, or are they broadcasting to you? Is what they are saying in line with what they are doing? Are there things you can’t explain? Is there a doubt, and if so, where is it coming from?

When you have finally made a deep meaningful connection, you might not be able to see things as they are. When you add chemistry, and even sex to the mix, it gets dangerous. Chemistry is one of those things that can subtly derail any plan or boundary you have in place. It’s this abstract quality we long for when we meet someone. It’s either there, or it isn’t, and when it shows up we tend to strive to keep it around, come what may. As addictive as chemistry is, you can’t build a relationship with it. Maybe good chemistry is just that, enjoy it while it lasts, but abandon ship when it’s starting to sink and drag you down with it.

This attraction and nervous energy might have you confuse chivalry, manners, and pride with signs of love. You might even think you are following your heart, but are you sure the butterflies aren’t just anxiety? Are you actually in love, or are they just cute and tall? Sometimes you won’t know until you try and all you can do is follow the yes for now, and see where it goes.

When you’re opening up yourself to true love, you might get your heart broken in the process. But isn’t that better than not having felt love, to begin with? Then again, is it love or is it lust? Maybe a lack of chemistry in the past, is clouding your current judgment. When you define what love means to you, you may want to look further than feelings and words alone.

There are always two sides to a ‘crazy’ story, so if there’s s a psycho ex,

it might be time for you to walk the other way

There is no good way to get your heart broken. However, there are a few ways that can genuinely mess with your sanity. If you’ve opened up yourself to love before, you’ll know the feeling. If you’ve been living with a more avoidant attachment style, this might be news to you. Either way, let it sink in and take away what you like.

3 ways how not to end a rela-or-situationship:

1. There is no good way to get your heart broken. However, there are a few ways that can genuinely mess with your sanity. If you’ve opened up yourself to love before, you’ll know the feeling. If you’ve been living with a more avoidant attachment style, this might be news to you. Either way, let it sink in and take away what you like. 

   1. Phasing out & Ghosting. If you need time and space, ask for it. If you don’t have the mental real estate for a relationship, say you want out. Unless you’re coming out of some sort of abusive situation, ghosting is a big no. It is probably, the main ingredient to create a pshyco-Ex.
      Yes, having a conversation as to why, or even just confirming that you are no longer carrying on with the relationship is uncomfortable. Avoiding this discomfort, hoping it will just go away on its own, is only going to cost you in the long run. Whether you’re coming out of a good or bad relationship, withholding closure and communication can make anyone fly over the Cuckoo’s nest. Putting it on your crazy ex is also just a shitty thing to do.

   2. Fight & flight. Don’t blame them even if you had a good reason for ending it. If you’re having a mature conversation about it, the reasons might come up, and you might come to the same conclusion, that it just isn’t working.
      But picking a fight and not taking ownership of your actions will only make things worse. Rip the bandaid off so you can both move on with your life. 

   3. Just start dating someone else. Needs no explanation really.

   When you get your heart broken, often the first question that comes to mind is: was it even real? Could it be you got carried away? Don’t forget it takes two to tango. Even when, and maybe especially if it was a short-lived thing, a relationship is a relationship. Should you choose to enter it, don’t forget to leave when you’re done.
   

Up Next: When is ghosting considered ghosting?!