Taking ownership might just be what you need, even when it feels like sht.

“You, you’re the one who is coming to rescue you. I’m so sorry.”

For the longest time, I felt like life was against me, one thing after another just kept happening to me. How was it that I was living in a constant domino of unfortunate events? To say I had my fair share of setbacks is slightly understated, but don’t we all? I was a victim of circumstances. And boy, did it hold me back. Some people though, seemed to have it all. All the luck, all the riches, all the fun while living up to their potential and checking all the boxes society deems normal. But, is there such a thing as normal timing when it comes to box-ticking?

Theodore Roosevelt said it nicely: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
My 2023 version would sound a lot less poster-friendly.

So if we shouldn’t compare, and we’re all going at our own pace, how will we know whether to speed up or slow down?
My circumstances and setbacks were intertwined throughout my life. I was stuck in a job that didn’t stimulate nor allow for saving or living “the good life”. My relationships seem to go from rock bottom to the bare minimum. My mental health status had spiraled into an insomniac depression. Comparing myself with everyone around seemed like all I could do. I had become a victim, yet again. Luckily I had made it out from rock bottom, so if I did it once I could do it again.

One thing that opened my eyes to the victim-role, was coming to South Africa. When your ‘normal’ is based on a country where everything ‘seems to work’, and poverty and divide are managed, you’re in for a culture shock. You can hear stories of poverty, townships, and violence, but it doesn’t register until you set foot and see it with your own eyes.
This reality check has been one of the best things to educate me. Although I overcompensated firstly, ditching all my feelings and emotions, because who was I to struggle when there were people who had absolutely nothing and seemed grateful nonetheless? Over time I learned to put things into perspective, choosing to start my day with gratitude and happiness. This occasionally involves a little reminder to put my own oxygen mask on first, and follow with kindness.

So, maybe there is a middle ground, even within comparison. For those of you reading this, you will most likely be living the good life, accounting for the top 15% (Nattefingerwerknrs but you feel me). So, whenever you catch yourself in a painful comparison to your peers, don’t overlook poverty. Sounds like you’re quite lucky after all right? Not trying to guilt trip you here, we all have issues, taking ownership though, is where you can create your gains.

So what does ownership look like in 2023?
As I’ve audited another year gone by, I am proud to say that I have managed to make reflection part of my accountability routine. An ongoing journey, supported by therapy, some tough love, and a huge pile of honest reflection.
Now that I’ve entered my writing era I tend to be more reflective and honest, looking for ways to contribute and be more productive, not busy. So, as a little reminder to self, where did you create gains in 2023?

2023 be like:

“No friction, no fiction”

Say what you mean, and mean what you say…

With cancel culture seemingly here to stay, online communication mostly goes one of two ways. Some seem to be more cautious with what they say or refrain from getting involved at all. Others throw caution in the wind, Twitter away come what may. This has awakened a state of being that is focussing an awful lot on being offended, triggering all the traumas and opening up a world of disorders you didn’t know existed. I’m not trying to devalue trauma and disorders, but could it be that the more we focus on them, the more we speak them into existence? Nuance seems to be long gone.

But, how does one find the middle ground in a time where content seems to be hitting the extreme opposites, making it easier for us to lean into and sometimes even justifying our weaknesses and bad choices… Whether you’re overweight, a narcissist, or are suffering from one trauma after another, the internet has a justifiable explanation ready for you to shove down someone’s face (or screen).

Now before you get triggered, it’s not about having a little or a lot of excess body fat, and it’s also not about a triggering trauma being justified or not. It’s about the fact that we seem less and less equipt to deal with the circumstances that shape our current reality. If you feel the need to justify why you are obese, or why you are taking out your anger on someone who didn’t deserve it? You don’t have to. How you respond or react is your choice, there’s free will, allowing you even to not react at all.

Get on your high horse and start using your potential

You’re in the driver’s seat, and although the circumstances may not be your fault, you’re in control of how these issues affect your day-to-day life. All you have to do is live or deal with it. Now, easier said than done. Maybe you’ve been dealt so many shitty cards that you don’t know how to win or simply even out the score. That sucks. Life is a little mean that way. But did you ever wonder about the costs of complaining or lashing out about it? For you to get the help you need, you might just need to communicate in a more vulnerable way. Instead of being afraid of how you will look, or whether others will judge you. It might even serve you better to be more afraid of the consequences of not getting any help at all. Imagine being stuck for another two years…

Luckily there’s a movement towards gentle touch; creating a supportive and safe space that feeds the soul through creativity and open-mindedness. This comes with its countermovement that involves a 5 am wake-up call and a zero-bs policy. But, does going to the extreme work in the long haul?

Hello, this is your ego speaking, anyone home?
Ego plays a big part in ownership. It might even create a resistance so big, it seems impossible for you to get to it. So, how does one take ownership and keep accountability alive when it’s just a whole lot easier to stick your head in the sand?
Maybe take a step back. You’re alive and kicking, you have free will and a conscience. Isn’t that great? This allows us to evolve, create our reality, or at least make the inside of our head a slightly nicer place to be.

For me, ownership starts quite literally. I take responsibility for my life; events, situations, feelings, and thoughts, all the things that are affecting me day-to-day, whether they are within my control or not. Now how can you take ownership over something that is out of your control? Well, technically you can’t or don’t have to, but you can control how you respond or react.  This brings me to ‘the internal dialogue’, which may be the human’s most underrated feature. When it comes down to it, how you communicate with others, but even more importantly, how you talk to yourself, is what makes or breaks your state of happiness.

Maybe you don’t need rescuing, maybe you just need to start.

For the longest time, i was stuck. In a relationship I did not like, in a job that I hated, and in a place I didn’t want to live. I felt paralyzed. Why was this happening to me? Why was I having so much bad luck? Why were all these people trying to make my life harder? Yeah it was a pity party and I was the guest of honor. But sometimes you just feel stuck, and life has a funny way of poking you just a little bit more when you’re already down and out. So, how did I get out of this? For me it took more drama, a little extra poke for this bear, pushing me over the edge into a second rock bottom. At the time everything was crumbling and I was angry, tired, and sad. If I were to self-diagnose it would probably be the early stages of a depression. Turns out the universe does provide… And what I needed was a nudge over the edge. If you feel like you’re at rock bottom, the only way is up. I was dealt a hand I didn’t see coming, and sticking my head in the sand wasn’t an option.

Rock bottom one consisted of escaping the house and going for workouts. It gave me my long-awaited six pack, resulting in a skinny that finally made me fit into my ‘one day outfits’. The side effects? y hormones were out of wack, my but and boobs were gone, and my soul had left the building. My hormones and nerves were so out of control that I was walking around with anxiety and stress 24/7. My work breaks consisted of doing meditations, crying and then getting myself together to make it through the day. Something had to change. For a second there I over did it with the positive vibes. My mantra “winning at life” only lasted so long as compensating one extreme for another is not a sustainable solution.

Wherever you go, there you are.

Rock bottom two turned out to be more of a sandstorm. While circumstances were bleak (my hand wasn’t even a pair) my safety net pulled through. Besides my friends and family, my somewhat compulsive healthy habits had been keeping me afloat; morning meditations, movement, mindfulness, cold showers and podcasts. Sometimes it’s those regular podcasts that are there for you. Although friends and family may give you the advice you needed, a ‘qualified’ stranger might actually make you hear it. For me it was the Huberman Lab, Nike training and some of my favourite sports icons that got me through it. I needed to get some tough love from the outside, while I practiced self love from the inside.

So how did I get from healthy habits to ownership? If there is one thing that kicks me into gear it is pity, I’m not here for it. Sometimes your ego has a funny way of showing up for you. So, when it does, lean into it. At the time I was reading Jon Kabat-Zinn’s ‘Wherever you go there you are’, it turned out to be my lifeline. It may have been the tough love podcasts that motivated me to get moving, it was the Kabat’s mindful kindness that steered me in the right direction. Although I now interpret it with a different love, it talks about riding the waves, and so I did.

It also talked about our human nature of wanting things to be different, and waiting for that different situation to arrive. Hope you’re not in a hurry, you might be waiting a while. Life doesn’t just all of a sudden become better because you’re earned it. The if this then that mindset is the exact thing that holds progress back. If I can only fix ABC, then XYZ will work out.
Coming to Capetown for the second time opened my eyes. I had been waiting for life to get better. I thought the answer would be a better job, with better money and better rules. It took me stepping off a ladder I wasnt even on to realise it was freedom I was chasing, not more money. Having a bit more distance, it seems that more money just creates more rules, which gives more friction. Although a corporate career might work for some, chasing it for the wrong reasons is expensive. All you need is to get to that promotion, so you can get to that better paycheck, so you can get that better appartment, with that slightly better mortgage.
I knew what I wanted, just not how to get there. I decided there and then that I was in control. And for most, coming from a privileged position, we are. No one was holding me hostage. I chose to live in an expensive Amsterdam studio. I chose to get up every day and work in vintage. I chose to stay in a relationship that wasnt serving me.
It was in these realizations I  took ownership. I was in control, as much as one can be in control anyway. I decided I deserved more, and I was going to make it happen. My plan? I didnt really have one, all I needed was my intrinsic motivation to get myself out from under, the rest would follow.
Sometimes motivation is enough, not to get you from A to B, but to light a fire to just get on your way. 

Now, coming out of ‘ 30 Days Unemployment’ does make me realise the irony of money. The more you have, the more freedom you could create, should you choose to do so. But where is the finish line? 

So my greener grass was not that corporate job, but freedom. What I so desperately desired was the freedom to work whenever I wanted, from wherever I wanted. So here I am, in the middle of my unpaid writing sabbatical, figuring it out as I go. I’m not sure where I’m going but I know I’m on the right track. Stay tuned, mission writing is a go and there is no plan B.

Up Next: When is ghosting considered ghosting?!