30 Dates In 30 Days: Part II
[Reading time 3 minutes]
*depending on how often you read I guess
Now before you get carried away by your enthusiasm and start swiping your romantic hopes and dreams away with a 15 minute boredom-browse window, think about why you want to start dating (again). Looking for validation? Try Feeld or Tinder. Looking for slightly more depth and don’t mind an outdated user experience and with it slightly outdate users and profiles? Go with Bumble. Just want to have fun? Try Hinge. Now according to Society19 these are all in the Top 10 worst dating apps, however Forbes seems to deem them acceptable .
There are plenty more options, but I’ve been dating like an ‘Elder Millennial’, so I’ll save them for another dating experiment. Now there are different ways of going about it, but I was trying to at least score some legit dates. I set some boundaries to keep myself from getting sucked in too deep, swiping for a maximum of 15 minutes at a time. After this I had to:
A. start the conversation (Bumble),
B. respond to the meh guys as well, or
C. get back to work.
Most dating apps can make you forget about time, but striking up a conversation with meh will surely motivate you to get back to your responsibilities. Now, after what already seemed like an excruciating amount of swiping, chatting and dating, I still had to remind myself of these takeaways before I went on a boredom-swiping mission: 5 elements of online dating:
Don’t swipe solely based on looks: see if there is the slightest bit of effort made by the other party (unless they are hot-hot, then we can be a little forgiving).
Be mindful of your time and effort: dating app user interface can be shit: create a dating note so you can start swiping and dating more efficient, just copy paste that stuff.
Show your true colours, maybe just not all of them, all at once: everyone likes a rainbow, but no one in their right mind actually chases it down to that pot of gold. You can be on your good behaviour, hell, you can even trow in some chivalry in, just keep it kind of real. Try to avoid too many filters and restrictions; just like you don’t want your time to be wasted, neither does anyone else. If you are boring and never make an effort, don’t start overdoing it now. If you’re a little crazy, show some character, but just like a good outfit, think in layers. If you’re 1.80m, don’t write 1.86m (5.11 to 6.2 ft), ladies love tall, but most of us value honesty over height. Its all in the eye of the beholder: I now know for instance, that what I perceive to be my openminded, straightforward and sparkling personality, might come across to others as more of a chaotic and heathenistic wildcard.
Do not get your hopes up & date like a guy: this one’s should have been on post-its all around my house. What is purely based on assumption, has worked out quite well for me. I too had been guilty of dating guys and getting excited in my tunnel vision of ‘what potentially could be’. With five dates lined up for the next few days, I noticed my mindset had shifted. I went from dating my potential future, to just being present, mostly in order to not mix up the occupations and nicknames from the spreadsheet. So: stop dating potential. You will not change them, they will not grow two inches overnight, and if they are rude or lie to you on the first date, you will probably not end up taking them home to your parents.
Don’t immediately judge the book by its cover, give someone a chance to fuck it up for themselves. You had a match, probably some decent chat or banter and who knows, the person that showed up might even resemble their profile. If this is the case you’re already ahead of the game. Give someone an hour, maybe they're just really excited, shy, distracted or anxious. If they start stroking your hair within that time frame you’re allowed to call it a day though.
The rules
In an attempt to not get overwhelmed and to keep things organised, I had appropriate nicknames, a colour coded calendar and google sheets. Efficiency is key. However, efficiency goes out the window after about three drinks. And it turns out, five drinks in, so does common sense. A little hungover after date one, I figured some ground rules would be necessary to get me, my liver and my soul through this 30 date experiment. So, I created some ground rules:
A maximum of three hours and three drinks.
A minimum of one hour; actually give someone a chance.
No holding back: if they ask something, answer honestly.
Genuinely try to get to know the person: ask good questions and actually listen to their answers.
Be open minded: being tall does not make for a good relationship. If they really took you by surprise and if they have manners, try to make a second date happen.
Go on a few second and third dates.
Don’t waste someone’s time: check in with them towards the end of the date to see where they stand. No one likes to be ghosted but apparently not everyone can appreciate a ‘ Hey, how would you rate this date? 1-5 stars, review time, let’s go…
Diversity is key: mix it up and date outside your usual dating pool. If it hasn’t worked for you yet, there might be a reason for it.
Offer to split or pay the bill.
No sex.
Living on the edge? Go for a sit down coffee, but keep your keys handy for an emergency escape. Play it safe? Bring your reusable to go cup, nice to drink from, better for the planet, but also keeps your flexible so there is zero chance you have to abandon your coffee mid date.
Up next, Part III: The Actual Dates 👀
