A short ‘how-to-self-love-in-2023’ nobody asked for.
“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness”.
But maybe check for an available update first?
Isn’t it great to be human, having free will and a conscience? It allows us to evolve in order for us to create our own reality, or at least make the inside of our head a slightly nicer place to be. On top of that, each day we have the possibility to be more aware of our thoughts and feelings which creates an opportunity for growth.
We’re seeing our parent’s mistakes up close and are in a position to learn from our own mistakes at a much faster rate.
This brings me to ‘the internal dialogue’, which may be the human’s most underrated feature. When it comes down to it, how you communicate with others, but even more importantly, how you talk to yourself, is what makes or breaks your state of happiness.
Evolution is serving its purpose: through our conscience we’re evolving as a species and are making the most of our free will (or technically we could). It also seems to come with the side effect of having us almost inevitably bump into our triggers and traumas at a rather frequent rate. The downside of our evolution? An anxious climate of obsessive self-development accompanied by a never ending stream of content offering to help you ‘find the real yet better you’, as the current you never seems to be good enough.
We consistently seem to keep one foot in the door, hoping to find something that’s just a little bit better than the options we currently have within reach. When you’re always looking for more, why commit if you don’t have to? Slightly stirring the pot here, but as I am currently single and dating, is instant gratification, or lack there of, the source of all these open relationships I keep swiping into? Maybe it’s just an evolved feature of the sharing economy we are currently in.
Love languages play a big part in expressing and receiving love, but when have you last checked in to see if you are actually meeting those needs yourself? If you haven’t heard about love languages, take a wee bit of time to do your homework and hit google up. *Spoiler alert: the answers might clarify the status or quality of your relationships. Sounds a little harsh? So is dating and maintaining a love life 🥲.
I’m all for self improvement. I can’t not be my bestest self now, or can I? Admittedly I am a little tired of constantly working on myself, but I’ll save that for therapy, which keeps me from projecting my ‘trauma’ and BS onto others. I learned the hard way how to take ownership and action over blaming and complaining.
But when it comes down to it, when will we feel like we’re enough? It’s been said a million times; “you can’t really love someone until you love yourself”. However, in an era where having plastic surgery is more common than rare and using filters is the standard, how are we supposed to love or accept our real selves?
LIVE LOVE LAUGH ✨✅
Positive vibes only? Sure, you do you. It’s easy to fall into obsession; just a little bit more (filler), or just a little bit less (body fat), or just a slightly better angle that avoids that second chin. Why would we accept our natural self, when we’re competing with an upgraded version that is constantly within reach?
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you”
- Rupi Kaur
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
- Thich Nhat Hanh
“If you ever want to love someone, love yourself unconditionally first.”
- Debasish Mridha
The list goes on and on and on. If you’re looking for inspirational words on how to love yourself, the world wide web would love nothing more than for you to go down the rabbit hole and waste your next 30 days. How about we opt for something productive instead? I’m not against visualising the concept of self-love, even though my coping mechanisms have shaped a somewhat harsher environment that seemed to thrive more on self restraint and tough love. Do we really need more 'live - love - laugh’ merch to remind ourselves to focus on our human qualities instead or our aesthetics?
How could you internally explore self-love without your ego steering you towards procrastination station? For me, self-love might need a bit more fluff and padding, some patience allowing me to get back in touch with my feelings. For you, it might be a completely different approach…
So, when is a good time for some though self-love and when do you need to show yourself some compassion? Well, that’s probably for you or your shrink to decide. I have noticed self-love has become a convenient buzzword that starts to trigger, the minute life gets uncomfortable.
Starting on a health journey that would require quite some self restraint? Maybe start on Monday, as this weekend you’ve got that birthday coming up… Need to do a task that makes you really uncomfortable? Procrastinate and treat your soul first. If my decade of character and habit building taught me one valuable lesson it’s this; now is never a convenient time to start. The ego’s desire for short term gratification will always make starting a new habit a hard choice, so you might as well just start.
Do you tend to make excuses as to why healthy eating is not a priority? You might want to call BS, drop the cupcake and start today. Thriving in your fit-girl/boy era? You could just keep fasting and cut all carbs for one more weekend, it is a nice flat stomach… Go on, you can do it, eat the cupcake.
I’ve done both. Although I loved eating every Carrot Cake that crossed my path on a roadtrip, it did cause me to feel some serious guilt, pushing me towards a strict and rigid 30 day punishment after. These days I look for the middle ground, which seems comes more naturally as time & therapy passes.
Tightening or loosen the reins?
It all depends on your current state of mind, if you listen carefully you’ll be able to recognise and resist the ego. With a more obsessive character, my internal dialogue sometimes takes the persona of ‘Regina from mean girls’, she’s harsh af. My shrink steered me towards a self-love strategy that is kind and patience, a gear I see but sometimes secretly still loathe. Does my unpaid writing really needs to be perfect before I post it? Will people laugh or stop speaking to me if there is a mistake? Oh shit, I’m not that important…
Building healthier habits isn’t about the cupcake or creating an unrealistic self restraint. It’s about finding a purpose bigger than ‘I need to look good for … or I need to fit into those jeans I bought one size too small two years ago.
Maybe drop the unhealthy snack, because you need all your energy today, to start on that creative side hustle and because inflammation isn’t good for you.
If there’s a sappy self-love quote that works for you, frame it and get on with it. I love Bukowski’s: “If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.” fair question to which I can probably find a reasonable answer. Do I have that ability? Yes. How will I make that happen? Start small, Atomic Habit -small, finding contentment in creativity and self development. So, by writing 5 minutes a day I am creating gains, even when Regina snaps at me that ‘5 minutes will never make me a real writer’.
"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself."
- André Gide.
Back to the slightly more capitalistic side of self-love. How can we focus on our inner beauty when we are constantly triggered by solutions to our external shortcomings? Every meme seems to have a fix-your-problem product attached to it. Every insecurity can be healed with a self-love-discovery brought to you by that holistic 1 on 1 coaching session. Currently accurate and so my favourite: ‘you can now fix all your money and purpose problems, by simply registering for an online course. Who knew I could instantly make myself a high income earner though the simple and no-experience required affiliate marketing course, brought to you by XYZ. When you simply use some ‘girl-maths’ it’s not money spent, but a mere investment in yourself, practically saving you money you would have gotten, had you started doing this 2 months ago. Now I do realise I’m negative-nancying this stuff, but I’m trying to give my words some purpose, food for thought and what not.
I’m not telling you to not book your coaching session, or to not sign up for that course. But, besides that investment in yourself, could you spare 5 minutes a day for the relatively easy and free practice that is gratitude? Maybe start a 30 day SELF LOVE CHALLENGE where you can remind yourself why you are awesome and what you are gratefull for.
The idea box is coming soon, but how about a 30 Days of Affiliate Marketing: A rich btch in the making or a pyramid scam well played? Stay tuned… 👀
Up Next: When is ghosting considered ghosting?!
