When is settling actually settling?
After looking for love in all the wrong and occasionally right places, I have stumbled upon the following point of view; genuine love is not to be found, but created over time in the presence of chemistry, trust and lust …
I’ve dated it all: the bad boy, the good guy, the functioning and non-functioning alcoholic, the roady, the career guy, the surfer, the model, and probably everything in between. After going on 30 dates in 30 days I have created a solid dating routine. For some, online dating might rate somewhere between personal hell and a chore. For me, it became a go-to tool to meet new people, do new things, and discover new places. Dating can help you finetune your story while narrowing down your needs and boundaries.
Useful tool or dangerous weapon?
More like a double-edged sword. If used right it can be a productive tool. But when you start to swipe mindlessly, you’ll get sucked in, and before you know a solid 20 minutes have passed while you forgot why you opened your phone in the first place.
If you’ve been out of the habit of dating, it can feel a bit daunting. Telling your story over and over while gauging within the first 30 minutes if someone has the potential to be your for-life-buddy. But, does it really work that way? Can you trust your instincts enough to know whether or not someone makes a good partner? And, how well can you actually get to know someone within that first hour of meeting? While it doesn't have to be that black and white, that also doesn't mean it isn't…
One of many rules during my 30-dates-in-30-days experiment was to stay for a minimum of one hour, which on a bad date actually felt like three. Once you’ve passed the uncomfortable first 15 minutes of a (blind) date, you can kind of start poking around below the surface. Now, if you haven’t been on many dates, practice makes perfect and subtlety is key. Maybe don’t start off with ‘Hey, how many kids do you want and do we have to get married in church?’. You can be straightforward without babybombing the conversation into a full-on interview. Ask questions that will show the similarities or differences within the big five: health, family, lifestyle, values, and leisure.
Are you in love, or are they just tall?
It’s easier to reject someone you barely know over the small stuff, than it is to actually get to know them. When it comes to values though, it’s pretty useful to do your homework and know what your non-negotiables are. This way you might maintain boundaries when chemistry is trying to push you into submission. We tend to get carried away by the concept of chemistry, often forgetting to look for the qualities that will end up heavily influencing our day-to-day lives. How is your date communicating with you? Are they actually listening or just broadcasting? And what happens when you press pause for a moment, can there be a minute of peace and quiet without the room going cold or awkward? But most importantly, are you free to be who you are? (Maybe dial down the crazy to 90% on a first date though)
If you feel like you’ve hit a wall it might be a good time to experiment a little and do what’s counterintuitive. When you tend to end up in the tunnel of love potential take off those pink glasses, and take a good look at the cons. Are you more of a negative Nancy/Nando who never seems to find any good candidates to date? Drop the demand list and just give someone a shot.
Going for a counterintuitive approach does not mean throwing your instincts overboard. So, how then do you not let chemistry sidetrack you past those red flags? As easy as it is to fall for someone with a great appearance, maybe ask yourself: Is this chemistry, or is he just tall? Another consideration would be to ask yourself what it is that you are actually feeling. Are you sure it’s butterflies, not anxiety?
When we have this great connection with someone, we often let them take more than we were initially willing to give, usually at the expense of ourselves. Your communication style might need XYZ, but you’re not willing to ask for it, as it might make you come across as a nag. Slowly you’ll start to justify the little things, in order to be that chill and easygoing person.
If you’re in your twenties it might be a bit easier to remain laid back and just go with the flow, see what’s out there before even considering putting any eggs in a basket. In your 30s it might feel like the pressure is on, constantly. Being single after a certain age seems to come with an invite to the pity-party. Your siblings are already married, your uni friends are getting knocked up and engagement rings seem to be landing on just about every finger you know. So, how will you not succumb to the pressure and just settle?
1+1=38
As convenient as it is to let your ego ride out the storm that is your current situationship, being alone will only hurt a little. Rules of engagement: if you’re unsure where you stand with someone, it’s time to move on. Now, there is one exception to this rule: have you actually had a conversation about what it is that you want? As much as I’ve tried, telepathy seems to just not work in human relationships.
So, time to choose you first. Easier said than done, I know. But, isn’t love supposed to be a two-way street? Often forgotten in two-way traffic is our own behavior. We obsess over our feelings towards them and stop looking at how they truly make us feel. Let’s bring some girl-math into the conversation; dig a little deeper than saying you’re a 7 and they’re an 8 and together you’re a 7.5.
Maybe you’re in a good place, currently a 7.5, nice. But do they elevate you to become an 8 or 9? And, do you do the same for them? If you’re both 7’s but together stop at 14, what’s the point?
If you’re afraid to talk about what you want or need you either have some work to do or simply need to keep looking. In an attempt to not offend or push away someone, we tend to ignore orange and red flags, justifying unacceptable behaviour as trauma or them being ‘busy’.
If you haven’t figured out your non-negotiables by now, it's time for a little vision quest. Ask yourself the following questions, even though you might not like the answers:
Has their picture of the future got any similarities with yours? (family)
Does your idea of health align? (Physical and mental)
Are the top 3 lifestyle choices impacting your lifestyle in a similar way? (drinking, recovery, exercise, mental health)
Are their non-negotiables clashing with yours? (communication, religion, finance)
Can you have fun together? (camping can mean something completely different to two people)
Whether you’re in your manifesting era, or simply do not believe in that stuff, visualizing what you want, might actually help you get there faster. If the first three are already off, but you’re having this incredible chemistry together I’m probably going to disappoint you: great chemistry does not equal a great relationship.
We do not negotiate the non-negotiables.
As much as you want to make it happen, pushing a square through a peg hole is nothing but wasted energy. Now, the tricky part is to realize that this is exactly what you are doing. When there are feelings involved, or even worse, chemistry, all reason seems to be out the window. While you might still vaguely remember your non-negotiables, you’ve probably been slowly letting them slide. If you could just get to point B, maybe point C would be better. The question that needs answering though is this: Should you, in the early stages of a situation/relationship already be letting your non-negotiables slide? When does compromise become settling? When it comes to love, would, should, and could speak for themselves. When someone is genuinely interested, you will know. Actions speak louder than words and they would if they could, means they should…
Though, how can you be truly objective when you think you’re in love? You probably can’t. The tricky thing about love and feelings is that once you’ve caught them, you’re judgment is off. Love not only makes blind but a little crazy as well. And lust just makes for bad decisions. As soon as you’re on the feeling track, it helps to keep your friends close. They know you, your patterns, and your blind spots. Feel like you’re losing reason? Ask for a second opinion, even when the answer isn’t what you’re looking for.
When you’re willing to sacrifice at the expense of yourself, you’re probably already on-route to Settleville. It might be hard to avoid, but when it comes down to love, create a daily check-in moment with yourself. If you have your non-negotiables clear, go back to them daily. Add a journaling moment to your morning routine to keep your feelings and emotions in check. This way not only will you skip Settleville but will also not end up in Regretland. Ultimately you’re the only one knowing whether or not you are indeed settling.
Up Next: When is ghosting considered ghosting?!
