Are we ghosted, or just being a tad bit dramatic?
Ghosting: another dating buzzword we seem to throw around rather casually these days. But when is ghosting considered ghosting? And when is someone just taking their time, as is their right…
Post-covid inflation has not only hit our economic health, but it also seems to be affecting our mental health. In a time where we’re technically more connected than ever, we seem to be as out of touch as we can be. Instant gratification is merely a button or app away, and when we reach out, we expect a reply, like now-now. Our impatience is silently increasing, the price? Anxiety.
Our social channels seem to blend into one another, as do our conversations and with that our expectations. Everything seems to come with a sense of urgency, which platform did you ask that semi-close acquaintance about that ‘not-majorly-significant-but-must-buy-now’ product they recommended you the other day?
Ghosting, the actual term, seems to include the condition that contact is broken off, without any explanation. But, how much time should pass before contact is officially broken off? Maybe you’re just really impatient, or they're just incredibly slow? If you look a little closer, as uncomfortable as that might be, could your communication style and expectations use some finetuning?
As an uncertified dating guru, I have gathered quite a bit of messaging data. My ‘30 dates in 30 days’ experiment probably contributed to this expertise, as it required the communication strategy of a mid-level company recruiter. So, how does one avoid being ghosted? Drumroll… one can’t. What you can do is not become the ghoster. Your communication kharma might just pull through for you.
I found the emotional investment to be the most determining factor. Which often came with a side of clouded judgment. A connection on LinkedIn that was supposed to send you that link last week? Just a busy professional. That friend that was gonna give you the details of the plumber that did a solid job, 2 small kids, and a full-time job. That person you went on a date with two days ago? Ghosted.
Let’s not beat around the bush; if someone is interested in you, you will know. And let’s be honest, when was the last time you straight-up told someone you had a nice time but weren’t feeling it? I’m not even talking about an in-person soft landing. So, when is a good time to tell someone you’re just not that into them? Probably never. Remember that one rejection, of the person you weren’t sure you were even into? Did you take it well? Ego has a funny way of planting a seed for what probably would have turned out to be a funky weed. However, now that you can’t have it, you’ll want it even more.
You might not get a confirmation straight away, as doing an in-person soft landing takes quite a bit of courage and decent communication skills. I even overheard someone say “Ghosting after the first date, isn’t ghosting, it’s just an unspoken rule of dating…” There’s so much wrong with that sentence, but is there a truth to it? Maybe ghosting is just another buzzword, here to help us add color to our stories. Before ghosting was a thing it was just a lack of manners, remember common courtesy?
You might be lucky and make it to date two or three, before receiving either confirmation of interest or a somewhat brutal rejection. That is if you get one at all. If only going on one date makes ghosting part of the deal, does going on only a few dates make slowly bleeding out a fitting strategy as well? Whatever happened to straightforward communication? Are we so afraid to offend someone that we rather avoid interaction altogether? Or do we procrastinate because it’s simply uncomfortable to deal with? Maybe both.
I want it, and I want it now-now.
Instant gratification, your core values, and most likely how you were raised, have a lot to do with it. Though at the end of the day, doesn’t everybody deserve to feel seen and heard, not ignored? Let’s get family and friends involved, the ones you’re having a good ‘functioning’ relationship with. How much time would you give them to get back to you before you would consider them inconsiderate? Everyone has a different communication style and pace, so there isn’t just one right answer. When feelings are involved we do seem to get a tad bit dramatic. After all, they were online earlier, so they could have easily sent you a message. Hence, there better be a good reason for them to not have messaged you back yet. This is a slippery slope into a toxic relationship. The minute that train of thought enters my brain, I know I need to hop off.
A good starting point would be your non-negotiables, how can you turn them into boundaries? Now see if you can find a middle ground that keeps things light enough to not self-sabotage the beginning stage of your rela/situa-tionship.
I’ve been accused of ghosting, something I did not take well. It left me wondering, if you haven’t even met yet (dating apps) and don’t respond, does that count as ghosting as well? In any scenario, a more relevant question might be: did you do something to initiate this self-diagnosed case of ghosting, or are you being impatient? It is easy to let ego take over, creating a narrative in which you should have gotten a response by now because you’re nice/fun/worthy. After all, isn’t that the bare minimum?
However sometimes in the early stages, the jokes, memes, and texting can get a bit out of control, and before you know the oxygen masks are coming out of the ceiling. Maybe all you need is some breathing room, to prevent yourself from nosediving into false conclusions.
Is there a scenario where ghosting is appropriate? Plenty, but they’re dark. A pretty straightforward one would be when there’s ‘breadcrumbing’ involved. For those unfamiliar with breadcrumming or lucky enough to have only been in seemingly healthy relationships, breadcrumming is when that person you’re into only responds with less than the bare minimum. They ignore your questions, simply don’t make an effort to meet up, and respond with Instagram story reactions or emojis. Now, whether or not you’re being ghosted often seems outside of your control, but the behavior you’re allowing into your life isn’t.
Do the people you’re dating always seem to end up ghosting? Or do they selectively ignore all important questions, but hit you up with a 2:00 AM wyd? Then Maybe it’s time to expand or change dating pools. When you’re allowing people to consistently give you the bare minimum, you shouldn’t be surprised to end up with it eventually. This leads me to come back to self-love and how you treat yourself. If you don’t know or communicate your needs, you can’t uphold someone else to anything but that standard.
Treating others how you want to be treated…
There is a point where an unanswered message reaches the threshold where giving a response seems like a weirder act than a decent one. We’ve all probably made someone feel ghosted in some form at some point in life, unintentionally as it may have been. Now maybe take this opportunity to check your phone. Is there anyone to whom you owe a response? Now is as good a time as ever. Even though the threshold of appropriate communication is long gone, wouldn’t you appreciate that bit of closure, especially when you didn’t expect it to come? So when it comes down to it, deep down you probably know whether or not you’re being ghosted and if it was merited or not.
Up Next: If it’s not a yes it’s a hell no
